Today I could not avoid the pressing sadness because it caught up with me. All of the heavy emotions that are repressed always catch up with us, that is why it is so important to spend time in introspection and healing. The holidays made it hard to find time for deep introspection and processing my emotions. I went to my OBGYN appointment and cried when the nurse asked about my family history because both of my parents have passed away. It has been a while since I have been this upset discussing their deaths, but today I cried when I explained how they both died. Going to the doctor is difficult for me because of what my parents went through and I knew it would not be easy but I was not expecting tears. I’m not upset with myself, I realize that witnessing horrific deaths of innocent people has stirred up this pain and that crushing helplessness accompanied from losing the people you love when you feel you can do nothing to help them.
After this emotional doctor’s appointment, I went on a hike so I could feel what I have been bottling up for weeks.
When I hike it’s my safe place to emote the full extent of my emotions and process these feelings and understand their origins. I feel. I come up with solutions. I let go. And then I can be present in nature and experience the love present around me. Nature sees our pain and sends us immense love in response. I hiked with the precocious butterflies that flit around me. They are so daring when they dart between my legs. I giggled with the ravens who were lovingly preening each other. I watched in awe of the murmurations of the birds emerging in the field. I let my heart soar with the hawks as they glided over the hills. I inhaled the sweet scents of the wild buckwheat and grasses in the valley.
Wild CA Buckwheat
When I hit the trail this afternoon, my deep breaths were shaky, but after feeling what I needed to and letting that pain go, those deep breaths became steady.
I know that this pain of loss will not disappear until I dig deeper and allow myself to feel it more and not suppress my sadness. It’s hard. You don’t want to upset anyone around you, but we must feel and not suppress those feelings. I want to make everyone happy and know that they are loved, which is hard to convey when that level of sadness is weighing your spirit down because people take another person’s sadness as something they have caused even though they had nothing to do with the sadness.
We need to feel and not mask our feelings for the comfort of others. Explaining where the sadness or pain is coming from and communicating that to the people in our life, is what we need to do. I need to get better at this step and I am learning to communicate my emotional status more.
I realize that I have not communicated my emotional needs and that I hit the emotional wall because of it. I realize that I need to a lot more time in the wilderness to process my feelings. This is a journey and there is not an instant fix. I have lived my life being told to not express my feelings so I am still learning to undo this. The reason I share this is so that you know everyone stumbles with conveying emotions and how we are truly doing. It is important that we all try and communicate our feelings because these emotions and feelings are what makes us human. How we process and heal from these pains and sorrows makes a difference.
Our heart and soul are free to love, be empathetic, show kindness, listen to others, and be present when we heal. We block all that is good when we do not heal, and in order to heal, we must feel.
A lot of people are hurting right now. I can feel it in the air. It is heavy with the pain of millions of people who are oppressed. That hurt is justified. Our world is deteriorating and humanity seems like an ironic concept.
When everything seems lost, go to nature to find that lost part of your heart. The love you seek will always be found there, even when people fail, that immaculate love that nature has for everyone can never be extinguished.
If you need to cry, cry. Let the wind and the sun dry your tears. Let the sunset warm your heart and soul. Let all of those feelings out in the most nonjudgemental environment possible- outdoors.
What I learned today was that I need to be on the trail more. What I learned today is that even the deepest wounds can reopen if not healed properly. For these lessons I am eternally grateful and appreciative.
Please protect our environment. With all that nature gives us, this is something we can all do so that nature can heal too.